


Home

by blackchaps



Series: Three C's [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: M/M, see part 1 for tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:12:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps





	Home

*****

Harry hugged him hard. "I‛m sorry, Dad."

Toby didn‛t want to ever turn him loose. "Thank you, Harry." He wasn‛t going to tell him it was okay. That would be a lie. "If there are problems at recess today, I want you to call me. Understand?"

"Just walk away?" Harry‛s eyes were big now.

"Exactly. Go to the teacher and tell her you need to call me. Don‛t do anything else." Toby wasn‛t going to allow this to hurt his son any further. "Promise me."

"I promise." Harry hugged him again. "Walk us to school?"

Toby smiled in surprise. "Yeah. Get your backpack and we‛ll head that way. Holly! You have three minutes!" He went to get his jacket. Worry would dog his footsteps today. There was nothing meaner than a school yard full of kids, not even a gym full of Nazis. He rubbed his face and hoped it was only his dramatic tendencies making him think that.

"Ready!" Holly came down the stairs fast. "We have to go, right?"

"Right." Toby wasn‛t backing down on that point. "Holly, if they‛re really your friends, they‛ll want to understand, not condemn you."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Been a while since grade school, huh, Dad?"

Toby made sure he had his keys instead of answering that. She was probably right. He shut the door behind Harry and the walk didn‛t seem long enough. Harry gave him one last hug and was gone into the building. Toby‛s cell phone rang and he got it, hoping for Elliot. "Hello?"

"Mr. Beecher, can you come see me today?" It was the principal.

"I‛m outside the building." Toby sighed softly. "Just give me the bad news so I can get them. There‛s no reason to make them suffer through recess if we‛ve being given the boot."

She was quiet a long minute. "I‛m in my office." She hung up, and he tucked his phone away with another long sigh. He should‛ve just taken them out, but he disliked running away. Where would it end? He‛d spent some time last night reading the school‛s guidelines and there wasn‛t a rule against ex-con fathers. Hopefully, someone had some sense on the school board. His phone rang again and this time he took a look before snapping it open.

"Good morning, Angus."

"Mother and I spoke at length last night." Angus was using his lawyer voice, and that wasn‛t good news. "I‛m surprised you haven‛t asked me to represent you in this matter."

Toby leaned against the outside of the building. There were still adults and children going in and out, and he avoided eye contact. "I‛m not going to sue them so we can go to school here."

"Discrimination is discrimination." Angus was right, but he hadn‛t learned yet about choosing his battles, and Toby knew this was one he didn‛t want to fight. All it would do was hurt his kids, and they‛d been hurt enough.

"Are we getting together this weekend?" Toby startled when he looked up to find the principal staring at him. "Never mind. Gotta go. I‛ll call later."

She opened the door for the both of them. "You haven‛t retained the services of a lawyer?"

Toby made a note to pay attention to who was around when he was on the phone. "My brother is a lawyer. He was offering his services, but I won‛t be going that route."

The principal shut her office door firmly, but Toby had seen the look that the secretary had given him. This was bad news. He sat down and hoped she‛d get it over with fast. There was time today to make other arrangements for Monday.

"The school board meeting last night was heated at times, but this is what it comes down to - there are no guidelines for this situation, and since we have a large student body, we can only assume that there are other parents that might possibly be in the same situation. If we expel your children, we would be opening ourselves to lawsuits and accusations that we‛re leading a witch hunt."

Toby swallowed hard. A huge fight was what he‛d hoped to avoid. "This is a private school. You have the right to pick and choose."

"We‛re aware of that, but even private schools have to obey their own charters." She smiled a little. "Are you a lawyer also?"

"I was." Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "So, we can stay, but everyone will hate us, right?"

*********

"Here‛s the information you asked for, Elliot." Huang handed Elliot a folded piece of paper. "I put the specialties next to the names."

"Thanks." Elliot folded it one more time and put it in his shirt pocket. "I appreciate it."

"Can I ask who the information is for?" Huang was always so polite in his nosy way.

Elliot wasn‛t sure, but he didn‛t think it mattered. "Remember Crazy Toby from Rikers? He‛s out."

Huang‛s eyes widened. "Of course. This is for him and his children? Give it back." He held out his hand. Elliot frowned and almost refused. With a sigh, he dug it out and handed it over. Huang shoved it in his pant‛s pockets.

"You‛re not going to help him?" Elliot was both confused and irritated.

"That‛s not it, Elliot." Huang looked faintly irritated now. "Those recommendations weren‛t adequate. We‛re dealing with a whole range of difficulties in his case. Not the least of which will be his own sexual abuse. I‛ll have to re-think this and see who I can find. You said he has two children, right?"

"A boy and a girl." Elliot began to wish he‛d kept his mouth shut. "He‛s doing pretty well."

Huang narrowed his eyes. "He‛s your friend."

Elliot noticed that it wasn‛t a question. "We‛re neighbors. He lives a couple of blocks from me." That was as much as he was going to say.

"Is he on any kind of medication? You‛re sure he‛s not a danger to his children?"

Elliot was angry now. "Would you care to rephrase that?"

Huang must‛ve realized he was on very thin ice because he swallowed hard. "My apologies. Is he on medication?"

"We haven‛t discussed it. I see him occasionally at the market. It wouldn‛t come up. I offered to help him find someone. He took me up on it." Elliot wished they‛d have discussed this somewhere private. Olivia‛s eyes were tracking them. "So, you‛ll get back to me on it?"

"I want to meet with him before I make a recommendation."

Elliot put his hands on his hips. His temper was flaring, and he was afraid of what he was going to say.

"Informally. Have him over for pizza. I‛ll be there. No pressure."

"He‛s no fool." Elliot regretted ever asking. He should‛ve recommended the yellow pages.

Olivia smiled brightly. "I‛ll come over. We‛ll make it a party."

Elliot saw the insistence on Huang‛s face. He rubbed his hand down his face. "Tomorrow night. One time offer. I‛ll make sure the twins are there."

"Excellent." Huang went off quickly. Elliot sat down with a thump. This was a bad idea. He could feel it in his gut.

"I can thank him for saving my partner‛s ass." Olivia grinned. Elliot was going to wipe it off.

"Your fault that he knew I was cop," Elliot growled. "You couldn‛t even kiss me convincingly!"

"I‛m your partner, not your girlfriend!" Olivia snapped right back at him. "Your lips were everywhere!"

Munch and Fin were laughing hard enough to make Elliot smack them. Elliot threw his pencil at her.

*********

"Hello?" Toby almost hadn‛t answered it. It hadn‛t exactly been a good day.

"Hi, Toby. It‛s Elliot." He paused. "I‛m having a small party tomorrow. Want to come over?"

Toby frowned. "Not really."

"The kids are going to be here. If you bring yours, mine won‛t be so bored."

That was good reasoning, but Toby still didn‛t want to go.

"Who is it, Dad?" Holly sat down next to him.

"It‛s Elliot." Toby made him wait. "He‛s asking us over."

Holly smiled big. "I like Elizabeth. Let‛s go, please."

Toby groaned. He‛d remember to lie next time. "Still there?"

"Yeah," Elliot said.

Toby heard the irritation so he paused another second, hoping to get out of this. "When, and for how long?"

Elliot was the one who waited now. "My place. Any time after six."

"How many cops will be there?" Toby tried not to snarl.

"Depends on how many show up. See ya there." Elliot hung up. Toby groaned and tossed his phone.

Holly grinned. "I‛m gonna tell Harry."

"Great," Toby grumbled. A cop party. How nice. He covered his face with his hand and found a prayer. It was long after nine before he got the kids to bed, but he put his coat on and went to sit outside. He needed some fresh air and a minute to think. A cigarette and a martini would be nice, but he‛d have to be happy with his soda.

"Can I come in?"

Toby looked up. "Not very happy with you."

Elliot grinned. He pulled up on the fence and was over it in a blink. "Crappy day, huh?"

"Remind me to electrify the top of that fence." Toby gave him a fake grin back. "And yeah, it sucked."

Elliot sat down next to him and drank some of his soda. "So where are ya moving them?"

Toby forced himself to stop looking at Elliot‛s throat and lips. "Not that simple. They‛re not throwing us out. They're afraid I‛ll sue."

"Hey, that‛s good news." Elliot put his arm around Toby‛s shoulders and squeezed. Toby leaned into it for a few seconds. He needed the touch. It had been a damn long day. Elliot slowly turned him loose and drank some more of Toby‛s soda. "So give me the bad news."

"You know how children are cruel. Harry went to bed crying, and Holly put on a brave front, but if she has one friend left, it‛s a miracle." Toby didn‛t sugarcoat it. "There isn‛t anyway I can fix this, and moving them seems like a cop out. It could very well happen again in their next school. The only way to avoid this is to move back home and go back to hiding in the house."

Elliot‛s shoulder was close enough to rub against, so Toby did. Elliot didn‛t look right at him. "No other choices?"

"None that I can think of." Toby shrugged. "Holly may never speak to her brother again."

Elliot sighed. "Can you guys wait it out? By next year, no one will care."

"That‛s what we‛ve been discussing, but ultimately, the decision is mine." Toby dropped his face into his hands. "I hate seeing them upset. It‛s worse than a shank, worse than having my arms broke, even worse than a raw ass fucking."

"I get it. It‛s bad," Elliot said dryly. "Can you take a step back and let it settle?"

Toby rubbed his eyes. "Monday is a teacher‛s conference day. I‛m not making my decision until after I talk to their teachers honestly about all this shit."

Elliot put his arm back around him. "Good. Did Harry get beat up?"

"No." Toby felt so tired, washed out. Dealing with this made him want nothing more than a martini and a SpongeBob marathon. "I don‛t suppose you have any idea how guilty I feel?"

"Well, Dickie got detention once for punching a kid in the face. Apparently, the kid hated cops." Elliot didn‛t turn him loose. "But, probably not."

Toby reached between Elliot‛s legs and retrieved the soda. "You drank it all."

"I was thirsty." Elliot nudged him. "Basketball?"

Toby got to his feet and went inside to get a soda. He threw the empty can in recycling, turned, and bumped right into Elliot‛s big chest. "You‛re in the way."

"My job." Elliot wrapped him close and held him tight. Toby reached around and pushed his hands into Elliot‛s back pockets. Holding him close was familiar yet different, and Toby hoped that when he met up with Chris in hell that he wasn‛t too pissed off about all this. Some of the tension drained out and he relaxed against him. Elliot stroked his hand through Toby‛s hair. "It‛s not okay, but I care."

"I could easily love you." Toby kept his face tucked into Elliot‛s neck. "No, don‛t answer that."

Elliot kissed him on the forehead. "I‛m still thirsty."

"Of course you are." Toby turned him loose and opened the fridge, glad they weren‛t going to talk it to death. Grabbing a couple of sodas, he laughed. "You were a mooch as a cellmate too."

"I was a damn fine cellmate." Elliot took the soda and sat at the kitchen table. "You were lucky to have me."

Toby laughed some more. He sat down across from him, and they both opened their cans. "I had to give you money for detergent!"

Elliot smiled with all his teeth. "Low budget undercover operation. Actually, I lost most of it playing cards, trying to weasel some information out of those asswipes."

"I noticed." Toby shook his head in disgust. "You could‛ve just asked me, but no, the local loonie couldn‛t know anything."

"Glad you understood." Elliot drank some soda, and Toby did too. Toby did understand, and while those had been very dark days, it was nice that he could smile with Elliot about them. Elliot had been there. He knew. He‛d helped.

Toby caught him by the hand. "If you ever need anything, you know you can ask. I owe you."

"We‛re square." Elliot laced his fingers through Toby‛s. "My house? Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but if one cop trash talks me, well, it‛s gonna get ugly." Toby frowned and tightened his grip on Elliot‛s hand. "You sure your kids will be there?"

Elliot smiled, but his eyes shifted around. "Kathy said she‛d bring them by."

Toby didn‛t like the looks of that. "No kids. I leave. Got it?"

"Got it." Elliot rubbed his hand down his face and then tugged Toby‛s hand. "Hell, I can‛t do this. Toby, I talked to the shrink at work to get a few recommendations, right?"

"Right." Toby really didn‛t like the way this was going. "So?"

"He wants to meet you informally. No pressure. He doesn‛t feel comfortable doing it without seeing you and the kids first." Elliot kept a hold of him. "It‛s not a big deal."

"You couldn‛t do this? Lie to me?" Toby was afraid his voice had climbed into the higher octaves. He had promised Holly they could go, but that didn‛t mean they would.

Elliot drank some soda. No doubt stalling. "Right. My partner wants to meet you too."

"Great. I can be the entertainment at this party." Toby tried to yank his hand away, but Elliot had him. "Elliot, I‛m not very happy about this."

"I know, and I know this has been a shitty day, but I want you to think before you get pissed. Do you really believe I‛d let anyone hurt you?" Elliot‛s eyes were boring right through him. "Do you think I‛d allow it?"

"They‛re your friends," Toby growled. He hadn‛t wanted to think about what he believed. "I‛m your old cellmate, and you weren‛t even a convict, just another liar."

Elliot‛s jaw tensed. "I had your back from the first."

Toby couldn‛t deny that, but this felt very wrong. "Fucking hate shrinks," he muttered. His feelings weren‛t rational on that subject. He stared at Elliot‛s strong face. Elliot wouldn‛t let anyone hurt him. Right? He looked down at his hand, clutched in Elliot‛s. "I trust you, but this was shitty."

"Yeah." Elliot eased up and turned him loose. "I told him it was a bad idea. Just talk to him and be honest. What can it hurt?"

"They don‛t listen. They make their assumptions, and they go from there. I am very reluctant to subject my children to the machinations of the psychiatric industry." Toby took a deep breath. He was afraid that stupid vein on his forehead was betraying his real anger.

Elliot chuckled softly. "And I thought I hated shrinks."

Toby wasn‛t expecting that. He rubbed his forehead and forced himself to take another deep breath. This was no big deal, like Elliot said. Toby tried to laugh but didn‛t really succeed. Elliot reached and touched him between the eyes. Toby caught the hand and kissed it.

"Okay. We‛ll come, and I‛ll leave my shank at home, but your place is kinda small."

"I noticed." Elliot had a way with sarcasm. "You‛re not suggesting?"

Toby nodded. "I‛ll deal better here. We‛ll invite Mother and Angus, and that way there‛ll be good food."

Elliot grinned. "Now you‛ve convinced me. You‛re not mad?"

"Oh, I‛m mad, but I‛m going to think of something I really want from you, and you‛re going to provide it." Toby narrowed his eyes.

Elliot was suddenly glaring back at him. "Forget it. You can find your own shrink."

Toby took a mental step back. He‛d just pushed Elliot too far, and his statement that he‛d do anything for him had just been shown for the lie it probably was. "Never mind. You‛re doing me a favor. The least I can do is cooperate."

"I‛m glad we reached an understanding." Elliot seemed to relax a little. "But I‛ll buy some pizza."

"I‛ll call my mother and see what she thinks." Toby felt like pouting. He was throwing a party for a bunch of cops so he could get shrunk. It‛d be funny if it weren‛t so stupid. "Tell me again how this is my fault."

Elliot started from the beginning and went into detail. Toby leaned his face against his fist and watched him talk. Lips, tongue, and perfect teeth, oh, that one was a little crooked, but it made them better. Finally, he stopped.

"Can we make love?" Toby asked with a wink.

********

Elliot choked on his own spit and coughed. He hadn‛t expected that, and he was suddenly blushing, and this was ridiculous. "No!"

"Well, okay. You don‛t have to wake the kids." Toby grinned. "Just a suggestion. We weren‛t doing anything else."

"Your kids are here!" Elliot snapped but as quietly as possible. He‛d thought they were going to have an argument, and now Toby was throwing this at him. "And we shouldn‛t talk about it."

Toby blinked. "Does that make it easier?"

"Yeah," Elliot said, fighting to make the blush disappear. "I‛m Catholic, ya know."

"I haven‛t forgotten. You think God minds?" Toby wasn‛t making fun. He sounded more curious than anything. "Chris struggled with this his entire life. It made him kill people."

Elliot could believe it. Caught between desire and God was a bad place to be, and being denied the Eucharist wasn‛t something to joke about. "There isn‛t any room for negotiation. It‛s a sin."

Toby frowned and took him by the forearm. "Do me a favor and don‛t kill me, okay?"

"Are you cracking a joke?" Elliot was instantly offended. This wasn‛t a damn joke.

"No, I‛m not." Toby sounded serious. "I think I know how important your faith is to you, but I can‛t help you resolve it, and I don‛t want you killing me to make it better."

Elliot suddenly understood, and the knowledge gave him pause. He leaned back and drank some soda, searching for something to say that wouldn‛t drive Toby away. Killing him wouldn‛t help. The sin had been committed already and without confession there was no way to atone, and without atonement, he couldn‛t participate in communion. "It‛s more than sex."

Toby heaved out a big breath. "Well, it is for me. I could have sex with the guy at the market."

Elliot drained his soda and launched it for recycling. He didn‛t want to talk about this any longer. There wasn‛t an easy solution, and talking to his priest wasn‛t something he wanted to do. Toby‛s last words spun through his brain again. "Which guy?" He frowned.

"That took a while. Your jealousy overwhelms me." Toby rolled his eyes. "Maybe it is just sex, and if that‛s true, let‛s not. I have enough sin on my soul. I don‛t want yours."

Toby‛s words hit Elliot right between the eyes. He got to his feet and said, "I gotta go. I‛ll call tomorrow."

"Running away doesn‛t help, but go on. Thanks for stopping by." Toby walked him to the door and out to the gate. "Oh, and thank you for telling the truth, even if it took you a day to do it."

Elliot bit his lower lip and searched for words. "I‛ll call." He didn‛t run, but he didn‛t stroll. Shutting his door, he didn‛t flip on the lights. He stared into the darkness and leaned back into the door. He‛d kissed Dani while he was still married, a big sin. He‛d divorced his wife, another big one, and lastly, he‛d slept with a man. He was going straight to hell, and there probably wasn‛t anything he could do about it. Did he care? Was his faith strong enough? Or had one abused and murdered child after another made him lose his God? He didn‛t know anymore, but he had to find out.

********

Toby sat on the step and watched him stride away. There was more to Elliot than met the eye. Toby had figured that out in prison. Still waters ran deep, and Elliot was deeper than most. He really thought about the things he did and the consequences it had on the people around him. Chris hadn‛t given a shit. It worried Toby that he understood Chris better than Elliot.

Toby‛s phone rang and he searched his pockets before finding it. "Hello?"

"Hi, Toby." It was Angus. "Tell me what happened."

Toby groaned. "It was a long day, but we haven‛t been expelled. I‛m trying to decide whether or not to move them."

"Coming home is a good solution," Angus said slowly. "Have you considered it?"

"Yes." Toby had, but the thought hurt. "I think we just had to face this. It‛s that or give them up and I can‛t. I‛m too selfish. I love them too much."

Angus was quiet too long. "Coming home is that awful?"

Toby didn‛t think answering that was in his best interest, so he changed the subject. "Would you and Mother come to the city tomorrow? I‛m having a small party. Elliot will be here." He threw that out, knowing it would reassure them.

"Let me ask."

Toby listened to them talk in the background, and it was his mother that took the phone next.

"I‛ll come in the morning, and we‛ll get organized. How many people?"

Toby had no idea. "Maybe ten, but four of them will be kids. Informal, Mother." He wasn‛t telling her about the shrink. "Is it a problem?"

"Of course not. It‛ll give us a chance to talk." She hesitated. "We love you, Tobias."

"I love you both." Toby hung up before the conversation went any further. He‛d sleep on it. Maybe there were answers that he was missing, but he doubted it. And Elliot? Elliot would be back, at least for tomorrow. If it wasn‛t love, he‛d be by less and less, and Toby was surprised that he was fine with that. Toby wanted Elliot‛s love, but there was no forcing it. Someone had needed to tell Chris that.

"Fuck," Toby whispered. Stupid God anyway.

*********

Elliot went, but he didn‛t want to, and once he was there, he moved to the back of the line twice, but he couldn‛t seem to walk out the door. Finally, it was his turn again, and he tucked up his balls and went inside. The ritual wasn‛t long enough and suddenly it was time for him to talk, and it all stuck in his throat.

"What‛s troubling you, my son?"

Elliot nearly sighed with relief. He didn‛t recognize the voice, and that made this more anonymous than usual. "It‛s hard to talk about it." It was. It really was. There was no help for him here, no chance for forgiveness.

"Go slow. Take a deep breath. God loves us, and that gives us the strength to carry on."

Elliot did take a deep breath, but he still had a lump in his stomach the size of a bowling ball. "I was unfaithful to my wife, I divorced her, and I had sex with a man." He didn‛t even have to lean close to hear the sudden intake of breath. Yeah, he‛d really sinned his heart out. The trifecta of sin - the big three - the triad of doom. Do not pass go; do not collect two hundred dollars; go directly to hell.

"I have a feeling that there is more to this than those difficult words." The priest‛s voice was softer now. "Are you able to explain?"

Elliot wasn‛t sure he was, or that he should. Running out of the church as if his soul was on fire was probably the way to go, but he would talk. "Yeah, but it ain‛t pretty."

*********

"Pizza? You‛ve got to be joking!" His mother was serious.

Toby spread his hands. "Cops, Mother. They‛re cops." He still wasn‛t happy about all this, and his mother wasn‛t making it better. It also didn‛t help that he hadn‛t slept last night. He felt pushed, and he knew that wasn‛t a good place for him. "Okay, what‛s your suggestion?"

She smiled. He rubbed the back of his neck and hoped there was plenty of Tylenol.

*********

Elliot really doubted doing Our Fathers and Hail Marys would help, even the enormous amount he‛d been given. The priest had been more sympathetic than expected, but sex outside the marriage was sin. No ifs, ands, or buts about it and he had enjoyed it, which made it worse. The thing was, he felt better about it all. At least he was trying to keep his faith. He might fail, but he‛d pray and he‛d deal with it. It wasn‛t a perfect solution. Nothing ever was. Toby would understand that.

Instead of driving to his apartment, he went towards Queens. Kathy might not mind if he picked them up a little early. He could use a hug.

_"I could have sex with the guy at the market."_

Toby‛s words suddenly echoed into Elliot‛s brain. Elliot had meant that sex was a huge sin, but Toby had thought they were talking about love. Their wires had been crossed, but Elliot had learned something important. For Toby, it wasn‛t just sex. He was acting from love. It was difficult to believe, but it was most likely true. Elliot saw it in Toby‛s eyes, and Toby trusted him. That trust wasn‛t given to anyone else. Elliot knew that. He wished he knew what was in his heart. Lust? Loneliness? Or desire that was unholy in its intensity? He took a very deep breath and told his dick to go down.

*********

"You had to work, Angus?" Toby asked as he let him in the door. The gate had been left open.

Angus loosened his tie. "Big case, but I get tomorrow off."

"It‛s something." Toby was ashamed that he hoped no one else showed up. There‛d be a lot of leftovers, but he wouldn‛t mind a bit. Unfortunately, it wasn‛t long before the doorbell rang again, and Toby was afraid his mouth dropped open at the sight of all the kids. "I‛m not buying any more magazine subscriptions."

"Very funny." Elliot‛s brow was furrowed. "Kids, this is Toby Beecher. Go inside and find some food."

Toby got out of the way of the stampede. "Your little guys have no trouble making it upstream."

Elliot glared but then sighed. "Like I need you to tell me that. One of them isn‛t mine. Maureen brought a friend. I don‛t know why."

"Me neither." Toby was glad his mother had insisted on planning for twenty. Of course, he hated it when she was right, but this one time it might not be a bad thing. "You looked tired."

"Me?" Elliot hung his coat up in the closet by the door as if he were a regular visitor. Toby hoped his mother didn‛t notice. Elliot continued, "You sleep?"

"Lately?" Toby left it at that. "Tell me your cop buddies bailed on us."

Elliot opened the door. "Hi, Olivia. Come on in."

"Guess not," Toby muttered. He shook her hand and did his best to look pleasant.

"Thanks for saving my partner‛s butt in Rikers." Olivia smiled. She was very pretty, and if she hadn‛t been standing next to Elliot, Toby might have stared a little.

Toby waved that away. "It was stupid, and he helped me out a couple of times." He did not want to talk about prison in front of the kids. "Wait, you‛re his partner?"

"Smart guy, huh?" Olivia handed Elliot her coat. Toby caught Elliot‛s look and said nothing else, but this was the woman that Elliot had kissed all over, and she‛d hated every minute of it. She was nuts, no doubt about that.

"The food‛s that way." Elliot pointed. Olivia didn‛t linger. Elliot pointed at him now. "Do not say a word to her."

Toby grinned. "Since you glared so nicely, I won‛t. Any chance that‛s it for tonight‛s guests?"

Elliot grinned back at him. "You wish."

"I certainly do."

*********

The doorbell rang again, and Elliot looked at Toby. Toby shrugged so Elliot went to get it. He‛d noticed that Toby didn‛t want door duty tonight.

"Hey, guys." Elliot opened it wide for Fin and Munch. "You heard about the free food?"

"Olivia called." Munch tossed his hat at Elliot. Elliot caught it. He was to blame for all this, but Toby‛s mother was still smiling. Angus looked overwhelmed, and Elliot didn‛t want to know why. Elliot hung up their coats and went to shut the gate. Huang still wasn‛t here, and Elliot wasn‛t going to call him. If an emergency had come up, Huang would check in later.

"Are you hiding out here?" Toby asked from behind him.

Elliot turned and smiled. "Counting on my fingers. It takes a while."

"No shrink, huh? Too bad." Toby was such a good liar. "Fin and Munch seem like nice people."

"Good cops too." Elliot wanted to hold him, but held back. "Your kids seem okay tonight."

Toby shrugged. "They‛re kids. Tuesday morning will be hell."

"Elliot? Is this the place?"

Elliot turned to let Huang inside the gate, but he caught Toby‛s stare. Huang suddenly pushed passed him, and Elliot moved fast also. Toby was down and unconscious.

**********

Elliot‛s face swam into view, but Toby shut his eyes again as he saw the impossible and his brain didn‛t want to deal with it.

"He‛s awake," Elliot said. "Toby, talk to me."

Toby noticed he was on concrete, and he hadn‛t fallen gracefully. "Head hurts."

"Get an ice pack, Elliot. I don‛t think it‛s bad." The smooth tones rolled over him, and Toby clutched Elliot‛s arm.

Elliot helped him to his feet. "Inside. Now."

Toby didn‛t shake his head. "No. My mother will freak out. Give me another minute."He still hadn‛t look at him. Elliot guided him to the stairs and made him sit.

"How many fingers?"

Toby had to look now. "Two. I‛m okay. It was a shock." He rubbed his eyes, but Mukada was still there.

"I‛ll get you a soda." Elliot was gone fast, but he‛d be back. Toby wasn‛t worried about that. He felt the back of his skull and winced. That would hurt in the morning, and he‛d collapsed in front of the shrink. What a great first impression he‛d just made.

"Breathe deeply." The shrink was taking Toby‛s pulse. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Toby waited until Elliot was back. "There was a priest in Oz."

"Father Mukada," the shrink said with a small smile. "Elliot, you should‛ve warned him."

Elliot looked from one to the other and back again. "About what?"

"My cousin and I resemble each other. I‛m taller." He stuck out his hand. "Dr. John Huang, pleased to meet you."

Toby took it but turned him loose fast. "I need meds, and sleep, and more meds." He didn‛t want to know how many more people in Elliot‛s squad looked like someone from Oz. It gave him the shivers thinking about it. "How is Father Mukada?"

Huang started to examine Toby‛s head. "He was assigned to St. Mark‛s last year. He says he likes it. I guess he‛s very involved with the programs they have there."

"Sounds like him." Toby wanted to lean against Elliot, but it wasn‛t a good idea. "Let‛s go inside. I think I need that ice pack."

"Your mom is making one." Elliot got him moving that direction. "Sit on the sofa. I‛ll get it."

Toby did that, but he wasn‛t thrilled that Huang joined him. "A shrink and a priest, a cop and a convict, and me, confused as hell. This is great."

"All Asians look alike." Huang‛s eyes glittered.

"So what‛s Elliot‛s excuse? All Irish look alike?" Toby made sure the sarcasm was easy to hear. He wasn‛t a prejudiced man, not after bunking with a Nazi. "Forget it. Go get some dinner. I think the kids left some food."

Elliot plunked an ice pack in Toby‛s hand. "Use it. You‛re getting a goose egg."

Toby put it on and waited for Huang to say something, but all he did was look at them. The thought that Huang would be impossible to fool crossed Toby‛s mind. Huang eased up.

"I‛m going to get my bag from the car. You might have a concussion."

"I fainted." Toby made sure his voice was low. "No. Go mingle." He glared. Huang looked at Elliot and beat a retreat.

Elliot looked down at him. "He never does what people ask, and you‛re being rude. Be nicer. I insist."

Toby sighed and shut his eyes. That lasted one second before his mother was there, clucking over him. He grit his teeth and put up with it, relieved when everyone had made a comment.

"You were out. Let him take a look." Elliot‛s voice was very deep and soft. "Please."

Huang had his bag. Toby knew he was beat. He frowned but agreed, "Fine. Let‛s go to the kitchen." It wouldn‛t be that simple. It‛d be a thirty minute session. Well, they might as well get it over with. That‛s why they were having this party after all.

"Elliot, who‛s that?" Toby stopped long enough to ask. He hadn‛t heard the doorbell ring.

Elliot glanced over his shoulder. "My boss, Captain Cragen."

Toby did a quick head count. "This is ridiculous." He caught Huang‛s look and went on to the kitchen. Sitting in a chair, he let him do his thing without interruption. His mother came in twice, but didn‛t stay to talk. He waited until the bag snapped shut. "Okay, what do you want from me?"

*********

"Pretty nice digs," Fin said. "You drop in for dinner a lot?"

Elliot grinned, but shook his head. "He runs on a kid schedule. Shame." He noticed a pack of kids over by the stereo. "Get ready to cover your ears."

"I better go help them pick out some rap." Fin went that way.

"Elliot, tell me what you think about the school situation." Toby‛s mother, Victoria, put her hand gently on his forearm. "I‛m very concerned."

Elliot knew Toby talked to his mother frequently so there were no confidences to betray. "Toby might face it wherever he goes. People aren‛t always reasonable. If he likes it here, I think he should stick it out."

"He and his wife lived not far from here. I want him to be happy. No parent likes to see their child miserable." Victoria looked quickly at the kitchen. "And he has been miserable."

"Do you trust him? Elliot thought that was at the center of things.

She paused for the longest time. "With the children, yes. With himself, no."

Elliot could see the distinction, but he wasn‛t sure he agreed with it. "Don‛t push him. See how it goes."

"No one knows that better than me." Her eyes were sad, and he wanted to make it better, but there wasn‛t any way. All he could was try to help Toby get through this without hurting himself. The music suddenly ramped up to another level, and he smiled at the kids. Harry was the youngest, and Elliot hoped the older kids were including him. He‛d had a rough week. With that thought uppermost, Elliot smiled politely at Victoria and went to check on him. He wasn‛t downstairs, and Elliot went upstairs without asking to find him.

Harry was sitting on his bed, and Elliot didn‛t have any trouble spotting the sadness. He walked around the room and looked at this and that. Harry wasn‛t into sports.

"I screwed it up. I wanted to make him show me that he didn‛t care." Harry caught his sob. "Now I know he did. He did. He sure as fuck doesn‛t anymore."

Elliot almost winced at the harsh language. He walked to the bed and sat a safe distance from the boy. "He hasn‛t known you very long." Outright denial would be a mistake. He had to work this around.

Harry looked at him with Toby‛s sad eyes. "I know. I should‛ve tried instead of being such an asshole. He‛ll never love me now."

"You don‛t think a little caution might be a normal response? How many times have you seen him in eight years?" Elliot resisted the urge to fold him close.

"He came home for a month or so, but I never saw him in prison." Harry sniffed. "I don‛t want to move back with Grandma and Uncle Angus, but I guess I don‛t have a choice."

Elliot put his hand on Harry‛s knee. "There are always choices. You didn‛t give him a chance before. Do you think, now, right now, when times are tough, you could? Let him show you what he‛s feeling before you make up your mind."

Harry sighed. "He‛ll lie."

"Why?" Elliot remembered growing up wishing for his father‛s approval, but he didn‛t think that was going on here with Toby and Harry.

"He just would. He‛s my dad." Harry looked confused now.

Elliot seized the opportunity. "Right. He‛s your dad. He loves you. He might even understand a little. Has he asked you to leave?"

"No," Harry said firmly. "Why would he?"

"I‛m a cop, right?" Elliot waited for the barest nod. "I see lots of bad situations every day, and usually when parents are really angry, really hateful, the child ends up living with someone else." Like foster parents, but he left that out. "Do you honestly believe he could hate you?"

Harry frowned, got up, and rubbed his hand back through his hair. He couldn‛t look more like his father if he tried. "No. Maybe, I think too much?"

"Maybe. Listen to him. He won‛t lie. He hasn‛t so far, right?" Elliot hoped not.

"Right. I expected him to a couple of times, but he didn‛t." Harry glanced out the door. "I‛m hungry."

"You better go eat before your grandma finds out." Elliot laughed softly and went with him downstairs. That might have gone well. Now it was time to find out if Toby had shanked Huang and enjoyed every minute of it.

*********

"He‛s too upset today. Don‛t even look at him," Toby said firmly. He wasn‛t backing down on that point.

Huang looked as if he might argue.

Toby pointed at Huang‛s guts, which would get ripped out if he didn‛t listen. "I‛m the parent. If you speak to him, I will press charges of custodial interference. Do I need to make it any clearer?"

"I think that‛s very clear," Elliot said. He‛d just stepped inside the kitchen. "However, I already spoke to him. I think I can shed some light on what he‛s thinking."

"Wait one second," Toby said to Huang, surged to his feet, and got right in Elliot‛s face. Their eyes locked and held. Elliot didn‛t move one inch back. Toby leaned. He had to make him understand. "I gave you a pass in Rikers, but don‛t think it gives you privilege."

Elliot chewed the inside of his mouth. "I had your back."

Toby would give him that. "And I had yours, but don‛t mess with my family."

"I hear you." Elliot gave a short nod. Toby eased away to a more normal distance. He‛d made his point. He liked Elliot, maybe more than liked, but there were limits. Elliot glanced at Huang. "Did he ask you how you feel?"

Toby smiled, but it wasn‛t much of one. "Of course. Tell me what my son said."

********

Elliot turned the stereo down a half-notch and weathered the glare that Fin gave him. Maureen was dancing with her friend, but they didn‛t stop. Harry was staring in a way that could only be considered drooling, and Elliot wished that Toby would turn off the frown. Huang was chatting, but watching the kids carefully.

"Elliot, thanks for all you‛ve done for my brother," Angus said just loud enough to be heard.

"If it weren‛t for him, I‛d be dead." Elliot didn‛t think this was a good topic for discussion. "Your mom is something, huh?"

Angus smiled and nodded. "She‛s a survivor."

Elliot believed it. He caught another look from Toby that wasn‛t exactly friendly. Toby wasn‛t shy about holding a grudge. He‛d let Elliot know in no uncertain terms that there were well-defined limits on their friendship tonight. It wasn‛t about trust, strangely enough. It was something more primal. This was Toby‛s family, and nobody better mess with it, not again. The first time he‛d killed, it had been an accident, but next time, if there was a next time, it would be intentional, rage driven. Toby was more than capable of it. Elliot wasn‛t scared, but he was concerned. Some time might take the edge off, but it would never fade.

"Is the entire precinct here?" Toby‛s tone was close to a snarl.

"Don‛t see the janitor." Elliot craned his neck. "Oh, we don‛t have one."

Toby rubbed his forehead. "You do standup on the weekends, don‛t you?"

"Wife always said I was a smartass." Elliot flashed a quick grin. "Good party. Let‛s do this next month."

"Not that crazy," Toby mumbled. "Kids are having fun?"

Elliot thought that was a question. He wasn‛t sure. "Yeah. You?"

"You like Huang?" That question was very soft. "Trust him?"

"We don‛t always see eye-to-eye, but I trust his judgment." Elliot hoped that was the truth. He never really thought about it. They argued every now and then, but he did think that Huang was a fine doctor. "Did he give you a name?"

Toby nodded. He wasn‛t really looking at him. "I didn‛t mean to be an asshole earlier."

"Oh really?" Elliot grinned quickly. His partner was coming toward them, and she was smiling. That could be bad. She was nosy by nature, and he didn't want her to know what was going on between them.

She was still smiling. "For the record, I didn‛t invite all these people."

"Maybe not, but you kept letting them in," Toby said with a slight snarl.

Elliot tried to grab the conversation. "Hope the neighbors don‛t call the cops." He saw Toby‛s eyes roll. "Hey, Toby, how‛d the basketball thing go?"

Toby had his hands in his pockets now and his shoulders slightly slumped. He didn‛t look all that happy. "My choice. I have to tell her Tuesday."

Olivia never lost her smile. "Do it. Slinking away isn‛t a good idea."

"Does everyone know about our personal problems now?" Toby asked in a voice drier than the Sahara.

"Holly told Elizabeth." Olivia nodded. "That‛s why Harry went upstairs."

Elliot and Toby both rubbed their faces. "Toby, I agree. You start running and it‛s never going to stop."

Toby shrugged. "Aryan fucks taught me that fighting isn‛t always a good idea either."

Olivia simply look stunned. Elliot wasn‛t sure what to say. He went for the easy answer. "You‛ll figure it out."

"Thanks, El," Toby said softly, and Elliot saw Olivia‛s eyes widen. Only close friends called him ‛El‛ and it wouldn‛t be long before she‛d be asking about it. Well, this time, there was some things that partners couldn‛t share.

********

"Toby, we‛re staying over," his mother said and patted him on the arm. "I had no idea you‛d made so many friends."

Toby had given up on sighing and frowning and making pointed looks at the door an hour ago. Cops were oblivious. They wouldn‛t leave until the food was gone. "I haven‛t." He didn‛t know what these people were. Elliot‛s friends? Guys who liked free stuff?

"Dad?"

Toby turned immediately and picked Harry up. Since he‛d come home, he hadn‛t done it, and he needed it now. "Having fun?"

Harry went from startled to a small lump of boy collapsed on his father, and Toby‛s heart about twisted out of his body.

"Love you, Dad."

"Love you back," Toby said softly. He began to think that nothing mattered but this and he was sure of it when his mother touched his back, rubbing gently. Generations linked and he made a silent promise to his son to do better.

The doorbell rang and Toby was glad that Elliot got it. Elliot might not let anyone else inside. Toby saw him start to laugh.

"Hey, guys! The police are here!" Elliot was still laughing, teeth flashing. Angus looked very worried, but Toby wasn‛t.

Captain Cragen was striding towards the door, but he stopped when the cop came inside. If Toby remember right, that was Stan. Toby gave Harry one last squeeze and put him down.

"Cops are here," Toby said with a smile. He went close enough to listen, but he was staying out of it.

"Stan says the neighbors complained," Elliot said. "You have neighbors?"

Toby shrugged. He had seen them, but they didn‛t look all that nice so he hadn‛t pushed it. "Guess the party‛s over?" he asked hopefully.

"Are those little quiches?" Stan was eying the food. "I love those!"

"Fin, turn the music down," Cragen ordered. "Hey, Stan."

Toby knew what that meant. Holly tugged Toby‛s arm. "Aren‛t all these people cops?"

"That‛s the joke, honey." Toby gave her a hug. Huang was still circling, but Toby wasn‛t as worried about that any longer. Mukada‛s cousin had a compassion about him that was easy to see, and his manner around the children was a further comfort. He‛d listened, really listened. He didn‛t make up his mind in advance and pursue that agenda.

Toby caught Huang‛s eye and made a small gesture towards Harry. Huang strolled over. He didn‛t rush.

"Are you sure? I‛d hate to be arrested at this party." Huang was being serious. "Elliot would do it too."

"That‛s why I‛m sure." Toby wouldn‛t go so far as to say he liked him, but he was teetering on the edge of respect. "My apologies for acting like an ass earlier."

"It was the shock." Huang made the excuse for him. Toby laughed and left him to go tackle Elliot. Sooner or later, all these cops had to go home.

*********

Elliot stayed to help clean up. It was the least he could do and the look on Toby‛s face made sneaking out a dangerous proposition. At least they were down to two kids. Kathy had shown up to take his. She‛d called from his place and tracked them down. She hadn‛t exactly looked happy about it. He wasn‛t sure if it was the party or just her usual attitude.

"Still love her?" Toby‛s voice was soft and low.

Elliot swallowed hard. He dropped an armful of cans in recycling, stalling. He had to say something and all he think of was. "She left me."

Toby was already going to do something else, but his mother interrupted them both.

"Tobias, I‛m going upstairs. Your brother went home. When does your girl come in?"

"You have a girl?" Elliot asked.

Toby laughed at the expression on Elliot‛s face. "Mother, I do all the cleaning. Go to bed." He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Great party. We love you."

Elliot wondered if that included him. Victoria gave him a fast hug and was gone. Now it was the two of them and a mess. Toby looked around and sighed.

"The kids can help tomorrow," Elliot said. "You do all the cleaning?"

"Well, yeah. What else do I have to do?" Toby shrugged. "Let‛s go have a cigarette."

Elliot raised his eyebrows. "You smoke?"

"I wish." Toby laughed. "I‛ll walk you home. I need some fresh air."

"You just want to yell at me," Elliot grumbled, but he got his jacket out of the closet. Toby got the door, and they went out together. It was late. The street was quiet, and they didn‛t talk. They walked. Elliot wasn‛t sure what to say. He didn‛t need an escort home, but maybe Toby wanted to talk.

Elliot unlocked his door and glanced back at him. "Coming in?" He wanted the words back instantly.

"You still love her." Toby didn‛t hesitate to walk in with him. Elliot could wish that Toby had gone home, but that hadn‛t happened and now his dick was noticing. Toby looked down at Elliot‛s bulge and back up to Elliot‛s face. "It‛s okay if you do. I still love mine, and Chris."

"Yeah, but they‛re dead." Elliot saw the stricken look that Toby quickly hid. Pulling him into a hug was the easiest thing in the world. From there it was one kiss that led to another and he was pushing Toby against the counter and grinding. It didn‛t make sense. It wasn‛t something planned. It was heat, lust, loneliness, and desperate need to touch.

Toby‛s hands grabbed, pulled, and the air was a shock. Elliot braced his hands against the kitchen cabinet, gasping and groaning. No protest, no denial, no thought of the sin: it was only him and Toby and their want. Toby throated him and swallowed, again and again, and Elliot nearly sagged on top of him.

"Toby," Elliot managed to whisper around a groan. He tried to pull him up, but Toby dug his hands in Elliot‛s ass and sucked harder. It roared out, forcing his knees to sag and he was very glad the counter was there to hold him up. Tingles and shivers lingered as he wrapped his hands in Toby‛s coat and pulled harder. Toby‛s mouth was half-open, and Elliot pushed his tongue deep. He thrust his hands inside Toby‛s jeans, making sure they were down before picking him up.

"Cold!" Toby protested as his ass met the counter top. It was small area, but big enough, and Elliot hesitated one second before putting his mouth on him. Different was the only thing that he had time to think and Toby nearly ripped Elliot‛s shirt right off him.

"Fuck!" Toby nearly fell, but Elliot steadied him through it. Most of the come ended up on Elliot‛s shirt, but he tasted enough to know that it wouldn‛t worry him again. Toby collapsed on him and slowly slid down to stand. "I always come too fast!"

Elliot fumbled his jeans up but didn‛t step away. Toby did the same, and then Elliot had to hold him close. "The kitchen, for Pete‛s sake," Elliot said with a groan. "I‛m going to hell."

Toby had burrowed his head into Elliot‛s neck, but his words were clear. "The devil would get tired of your smart mouth and send you to heaven. Don‛t worry."

"That‛s not exactly reassuring." Elliot still couldn‛t turn loose of him.

"Sorry. I could tell you something like, ‛Love is never wrong, and God is love,‛ but I don‛t think you want to hear it." Toby sagged harder against him. "I need a bed somewhere."

Elliot did too, but he was going to think about what Toby didn‛t want to say. "Love or lust?" Those were the words that came out of his mouth.

Toby straightened and put space between them. "Love comes in all shapes and sizes. So does lust. It‛s when they mix together that people get crazy." He brushed a hand through his hair. "I gotta go. Elliot, I care for you. More than I should." And he was gone out the door. Elliot pulled out a chair and sat down before his legs gave out. He shrugged off his coat. He hadn‛t even taken it off in his rush to hold him, kiss him, be with him. Elliot ran his finger through the wetness on his shirt - Toby was right - it was crazy.

*********

Toby made the kids help and then they left his mother to putter, going to the park and stopping at an ice cream cart along the way. He was trying not to think about kitchen cabinets as he sat on a park bench. It wasn‛t easy. It wouldn‛t be long before Elliot would wise up and find a woman, maybe even his wife again, and Toby wouldn‛t blame him.

A wife, the family, it was all worth more than a quick blowjob or sex in the shower. He knew that in his gut, but the thought still made his gut ache. For him, there‛d be no happy ending with a wife. He‛d raise his kids alone and be alone until he died. He wasn‛t exactly afraid of it, but it didn‛t thrill him either.

"Dad, are you ever going to date girls?"

Holly‛s question jolted Toby out of his thoughts. He struggled for something reassuring to say. She laughed. "Okay, women."

"I don‛t know what to say." Toby didn‛t. "Right now, all I think about is you guys."

"That‛s sweet." Holly sighed softly. "The principal is single. I think she likes you."

Toby‛s eyes nearly bulged right out of his head. She was a lesbian. He was sure of it. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but there was no way to explain it. He coughed. "Honey, I‛m not ready to date."

She nodded. "Good." And then she ran off. Toby wiped some sweat from his forehead, feeling as if he‛d dodged a bullet. Yes, he was staying single, and if he were honest, there was no one that could hold a candle to Chris or Elliot.

"Play some ball?"

Toby stretched and pretended to think about it. "No people to arrest?"

"Not yet." Elliot tossed it to him. Harry pounded up two seconds later, and Toby threw the ball to him.

"Come on, Harry, let‛s beat Elliot."

Harry grinned. "Easy."

"Hey!" Elliot protested.

Toby laughed. The future might suck, but he had today, and it was all he‛d ever have. One day at a time, like the old song said, and he was surprised that he was fine with that.

*********

Elliot crossed himself and sat in the back pew. He wasn‛t here for confession. All he wanted to do was sit and think, or maybe pray. He did still love Kathy, and after all she‛d done, it was almost embarrassing to admit. She‛d left him. He‛d begged her to give therapy a chance, but she‛d walked out with their kids. She had demanded he sign the papers. He‛d refused, but then given up when faced with the reality that she might hate him. And that hate, he couldn‛t face. He still loved her. Every difficult case, every time he faced a crisis, it pounded its way into his brain. Maybe he couldn‛t un-love people. Once he put them in his heart, they were there to stay. Like Kathy. He put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. Like Toby. It was a sin, yes, but it was the truth, and the truth was always something he was willing to live with.

*********

Toby saw her go by, in each hand she had a drink.

"Hi, Toby," she said, but she didn‛t slow down.

"Hi, Olivia." Toby had considered walking down to Elliot‛s place, but now he was glad that he hadn‛t. He saw her stop, and he strained to hear.

"I was coming to your place," Olivia said.

"Need some food." Elliot‛s voice was gruff, and Toby hoped it was a lie but knew better. He got up and went inside before he had to say hello and pretend it was no big deal. It wasn‛t, not really, but for some reason, it was. Like he‛d said, he cared more than he should, and the days that he didn‛t see Elliot were ... he struggled to find the right word. Those days were less, and he resented it. He wanted to be happy with just his children, just this life. Missing Chris, wishing for Elliot: those were two things he didn‛t want to do.

Toby‛s phone rang and he got it quickly. "Are you there safe?"

"Yep!" Holly sounded fine. "Harry didn‛t even complain all that much."

"Always good news." Toby was relieved. "You guys have fun."

"You‛ll be okay?"

Toby controlled a sigh. Even his daughter didn‛t trust him alone. "I‛ll see you Sunday. Call if you want." He wanted to demand that they call hourly, but that would play into the fact that he shouldn‛t be left to himself.

"Love you!" Holly disconnected as soon as Toby said it back. He tossed his phone, put his head in his hands, and squeezed. If he were smart, he‛d go get laid.

The buzzer rang and he went to get it, hoping beyond hope it was his old cellmate. It wasn‛t. He opened the gate, struggling to smile. "Good evening, Karl."

"Got a minute to talk?"

Toby could hardly refuse his parole officer. "Of course. Come in." He hadn‛t expected this. Sure, it had been possible, but Karl didn‛t seem the kind to move from his desk if he could help it. Karl took a good look around, and Toby tried again for the smile. "Search?"

"Had to happen sooner or later." Karl nodded. "Probably would‛ve skipped it, but you moved to the city." He was poking in corners, and Toby followed him to the kitchen. "I also realized you ain‛t got a curfew."

"Is it necessary?" Toby asked without trying to sound whiny.

Karl shut the fridge door and gave him a sideways looks. "Yep. You ain‛t living with yer momma anymore."

Toby pressed his lips together so he didn‛t groan in frustration. This was going to suck. Wait a minute, he never went anywhere. "Okay. Anything else?"

"Seeing a shrink yet?" Karl was headed upstairs now, and Toby throttled down his protective instincts. This was his house, damn it. He focused on the question and now he did sigh.

"I met with one a couple of weeks ago." Toby didn‛t mention that he‛d done absolutely nothing about it.

Karl shut the medicine cabinet door. "I know you ain‛t going to AA. It‛s one or the other. You know that!"

Toby had a feeling that protestations that he was ‛trying‛ weren‛t going to fly this time. "That one group threw me out."

"Try ‛nother and this time don‛t open yer yap." Karl was glaring at him now.

"What‛s with the accent? Are you from Texas?" Toby was more interested in that. He‛d been meaning to ask.

Karl looked under Toby‛s bed. "Oklahoma. You got a problem with that?"

Toby raised his hands. "No. Just curious." He managed a smile now that he was on thin ice.

"Find another meeting ‛fore we meet again or start seeing a shrink." Karl put his hands on his hips. "An yer curfew is at ten."

"Ah, shit." Toby thought that was way too early. He went downstairs, feeling huffy. Karl could finish on his own. He came downstairs after about fifteen minutes. Toby wasn‛t sure what to say because ‛get out‛ probably wasn‛t a good idea.

Karl took another look around. "No booze."

"None," Toby promised. He was always thirsty, but he wouldn‛t.

"No damn drugs."

Toby shook his head vehemently. "Never." He hurried on, "I‛ll get a shrink or go to AA."

Karl gave a quick nod. "Better. I been cutting you some slack, but I‛m done, and iff‛en you break yer parole again, you‛ll be there ‛til fifteen is up."

"I hear you." Toby sure as hell didn‛t want that. He waited impatiently for Karl to say something else. Karl didn‛t. He walked out the door, only turning when he got to the gate. Toby didn‛t bother trying to smile.

"Usual meeting. Don‛t be late." Karl went to his car and drove away, and Toby was still standing by the gate. He felt dirty. As if he could never wash off the stench that was Oz. He‛d kept thinking that Karl wasn‛t serious about AA, but he was. Shit.

Her voice carried clearly. "So then Munch starts talking about black helicopters and Fin throws-"

Toby was in the house fast, shutting the door hard. He walked around, straightening up after his parole officer. No, he didn‛t want to go back to Oz, but he didn‛t want to go to AA either. That left him with the shrink option, which almost sounded worse than death. He chuckled grimly. He‛d do it. It didn‛t have quite the sting it once did, and he knew that Dr. Huang was a good guy, but it still felt like an invasion of his privacy. He‛d spent years under the microscope, always someone watching, and he wanted to be left alone. Unless it was Elliot.

Groaning, he went upstairs and cleaned. The kid's bathroom always needed it, and there was nothing like the fumes of Comet to clear his head. Finished, he went to his room. Karl had tossed the bed and the dresser, looking for dope. Toby sighed and got to work. He was profoundly glad his kids hadn‛t been home, but they might be next time, he‛d have to warn them.

"Who wrecked the place?"

Toby gasped in shock, whipping around. "Elliot! Have you heard of knocking?"

Elliot drew his head back. "You didn‛t answer. I knew you were home. I was worried." He leaned against the doorjamb. "Did he find your shank?"

"No," Toby grumbled. His heart was still racing. "I don‛t have one."

Elliot laughed, his teeth flashing. "Right. I look like a rookie cop?"

"You look handsome tonight." Toby hadn‛t meant to say that, but he wasn‛t taking it back. Instead, he put the mattress back on the bed and started making it. Elliot gave him a hand, and that almost made it worse. Here was hard proof that he was still a damn loser. "Karl trashed the place."

"His job." Elliot didn‛t sound concerned about it. "Where‛re the rugrats?"

Toby smoothed the comforter again. He wasn‛t sure he wanted to talk about all the crap in his life. What he wanted was to pull him down and run his tongue all over Elliot‛s body, licking and sucking until Elliot grabbed him hard.

"He upset you that much?" Elliot‛s voice was soft now.

"Not really." Toby walked around to his dresser and began to re-organize. Elliot was very close, and he didn‛t move away. Toby tried to find some more words. "There was a family reunion this weekend in Connecticut. Mom took the kids."

Elliot‛s breath seemed harsh to Toby‛s ear. "Some alone time could be good. What else did Karl say?"

Toby watched his hands work, but his mind was on that bed, making love to Elliot. "I‛m now the proud owner of a curfew, and if I don‛t start going to AA or seeing a shrink, he‛s shipping me off."

Elliot‛s gasp was audible. "That ain‛t happening, right?"

"Hope not." Toby straightened his back and tried to find something else to look at besides Elliot‛s lips. "He said he‛d been easy on me, but that was done."

"I thought you‛d decided that Harry and you were going to see a shrink." Elliot needed to back away, run for his life, but he didn‛t move, and Toby nearly groaned from frustration. Toby shut the last drawer and headed for the bathroom. He wasn‛t sure what to say as his mouth wanted him to beg for skin. Karl had poked around, but nothing major was out of place, and it took only a minute to put things where he liked them.

Toby managed a brusque nod. "Harry has been meeting with the school psychologist. She‛s good. I think it‛s helping. I went to their last meeting." He clenched his hands into fist and wished all these words could take his longing away. His need. "Please." He needed him so much, but there was so much standing between them.

"Toby?"

Toby broke. He heard it. It was like thunder in his ears. "Elliot!" He was panting, and he was ashamed.

Elliot cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. "I should go," he muttered.

"Yes! Go! Before I drop to my knees and beg for a touch!" Toby turned away, clasping his arms around his chest. He hated that he was so needy. His ears strained to hear the sound of the door slamming, that was all that was left.

"Not really into begging."

Toby put his face in his hands. "You don‛t want this. It‛s a sin, and you‛ll never stop loving your wife."

"Two out of three are right." Elliot sounded tired. "You should let me worry about that shit."

"I tried, but every day I didn‛t catch a glimpse of you, those facts pounded their way a little deeper in my psyche." Toby gave up and turned to face him. "I‛m sorry, okay?"

"I‛m sorry, too." Elliot had his hands in his pockets. "We gotta talk about this in the john?"

Against his will, Toby laughed about that. He followed him back out to the bedroom, but they both stopped there, and neither of them could quite look at the bed.

"If you get jammed up with Karl, you call me. Not your lawyer. You call me." Elliot‛s voice was fierce now. "We clear?"

"Damn, you‛re bossy." Toby wasn‛t going to argue about it. There were other things to talk about. "I thought you were hanging out with Olivia tonight?"

Elliot shrugged. "Never last more than an hour." His eyes were on the bed now. It was easy to see. "I can‛t promise you anything."

Toby knew that. That‛s why it hurt so much, but he had to face the fact that it didn‛t matter. "I know. I can‛t either." And it was true. "Is it wrong to want it because it comforts my soul?"

"No," Elliot said, his voice cracking the word in half. He took that first step, and Toby nearly sobbed from relief when strong arms encircled him and he could put his head into the crook of Elliot‛s neck.

"Sorry." Toby heard his own voice waver. It was the only word he could offer. He didn‛t mean to care so damn much, and he knew that Elliot didn‛t need the pressure. Living one day at a time wasn‛t easy when it meant that Elliot wasn‛t a part of any of those days.

Elliot pushed Toby‛s hair back. "Don‛t be. It‛s on me. I‛m just a broken-down cop with nothing to offer."

Toby knew that wasn‛t true, but he heard in Elliot‛s voice that he believed it. "Nothing, Elliot?"

"Not much." Elliot ran his hands down Toby‛s arms. "I‛ll leave."

"Only if you want." Toby shook his head. He didn‛t want that. Not ever.

Elliot brushed his lips across Toby‛s forehead. "Why don‛t you ever call?"

Toby was taken aback. "You?"

Elliot set him away. "Well, yeah! I sorta have this job that makes me work twenty hours a day!"

"Which means I shouldn‛t be interrupting!" Toby had never even considered it. He sat down on the bed and looked up at him. "Right?"

"If you are interrupting, I‛ll call back." Elliot had his hands on his hips. "I called you this week, but you didn‛t answer."

Toby frowned. From now on, he was charging his phone regularly. "It went dead, and I think it was a day before I realized it. No one ever calls!" Except his mother, and he might have been avoiding her. It was possible.

Elliot rubbed his hand down his face. "You‛re not alone. You‛re not still in a cell, waiting for nothing."

"I know," Toby whispered, but he didn‛t.

"Write it down some where so you don‛t forget!" Elliot looked irritated now. "Do I need to call Karl?"

Back to that. Toby got to his feet and frowned. "No! I‛m going to start seeing a shrink. It‛ll keep Karl off my back."

"Good enough." Elliot looked down at the floor. "No kids, huh?"

Toby‛s dick was hard before the last word faded. He was still a little angry that Elliot would even think to call Karl, but it didn‛t matter. Elliot cared. He cared. Toby clasped that thought tight and put it in his heart. Even if they never shared a bed again, knowing that he cared would make it easier to bear. Toby stripped off his sweatshirt and threw it at the closet.

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" He grinned.

*********

Elliot reached and his big hand shut the door. "It‛s hot in here." He hadn‛t planned this, but it was happening, and he admitted that he wanted it. It would be a comfort, and he needed it after all the shit he‛d been through lately.

"You‛re sure they won‛t come home?"

"Positive. And Mother would call." Toby nodded. His hands were on his jeans. "What?"

"Is your phone charged?" Elliot went ahead and sounded sarcastic. "Door locked?"

Toby groaned. "I guess we‛re not going for spontaneity tonight."

Elliot got out of the way as Toby marched passed him. "Get the drapes too, will ya?"

"Fusmarass," Toby mumbled. Elliot laughed, but he made sure he wasn‛t loud about it. Last time had been rushed. Tonight, he didn‛t see why they should, no kids and no where to be, and he‛d be willing to bet that this wouldn‛t happen more than once in a blue moon, if ever again. He put his cell phone on the side table and pushed off his shoes. Toby came in, shut the door again, glared, and put his phone down by Elliot‛s.

"Happy?"

"This is about as good as it gets." Elliot didn‛t know what ‛happy‛ was anymore. He slowly pulled off his jean jacket, letting it drop to the floor. "Condoms?"

Toby groaned very softly. "Yeah. By the bed."

Elliot pulled off his hoodie, and Toby was there. Touch. Smell. He pulled him down and they rolled onto the bed together. Toby was laughing softly, and Elliot kissed him.

"What‛s so funny?" Elliot bit him gently on the neck.

Toby groaned. "I thought I was going to miserable for the next two days."

"Still might be." Elliot grinned and bit him slightly harder on his bare shoulder. "How‛s basketball going?"

"They call me Coach Geek, according to Holly." Toby retaliated by giving him a swat on the ass. "I shouldn‛t have worn my glasses."

Elliot laughed and made sure he was on top. Toby was smart, if he‛d worn his glasses, he‛d done it for a reason. Elliot lowered his lips to right about Toby‛s. "You did it on purpose."

"Why, yes, I did." Toby shoved his groin up into him and kissed him hard. "Some of the girls were really scared of me."

"And now?" Elliot didn‛t know how much longer he could go on talking. All the blood that should‛ve been in his brain was below his belt.

Toby had his hands on Elliot‛s ass. "Better. The kids still don‛t have many friends, but from what I understand, no one is picking on them."

Elliot was relieved to hear it, but he was done talking. The pounding in his groin made it impossible, and he fumbled at Toby‛s jeans. Toby didn‛t help out. No, he found a way to lick Elliot‛s nipples. Elliot jolted. No one had ever done that. He wasn‛t sure it was something that guys should like. Toby laughed and latched on with his teeth. Something spiked in Elliot‛s brain and he wasn‛t sure if it was pleasure or pain. Toby‛s wet tongue teased the nub and Elliot shivered.

"Like that?"

"I don‛t think so," Elliot said with a gasp. He saw by Toby‛s face that he hadn‛t sold it. Toby switched nipples and Elliot had to flinch again. "That ain‛t right."

Toby licked his way up and sucked Elliot‛s neck. "Your wife had a serious lack of imagination."

Elliot didn‛t want to think about her while he was in bed with someone else. His dick had settled down to the point where he could talk again. "And yours?" He slid his hand in Toby‛s jeans and squeezed.

"I get your point. Let‛s talk about the weather." Toby squirmed against him. "Gonna come in my shorts."

"We gotta work on that trigger of yours." Elliot leaned back onto his knees and pulled at Toby‛s jeans. Toby helped out and everything slid off. He returned the favor. Elliot took a second to turn off the overhead light and flick on a lamp. Much better.

Toby was watching. "You‛re too damn sexy."

Elliot didn‛t think so, but he could smile about it. He took a second to look him over: pale skin, muscles, and an almost nervous smirk on his face.

"Changing your mind?" Toby asked.

"Wondering if you‛re hitting the gym." Elliot crawled up Toby‛s body and kissed him in such a way that should leave him with no doubts.

Toby gave a soft grunt and slid his hands from Elliot‛s shoulders to his ass. "I go twice a week to stare at the girls."

Elliot didn‛t much believe it. "Don‛t get hit with harrassment charges." He laughed at Toby‛s eyes rolling in disgust. "Wait. You were checking out the guys!"

"Maybe a little of both." Toby blushed. "This conversation is keeping me from coming."

"I can fix that." Elliot snugged their hips together and moved in a rocking motion, lowering his mouth. Toby thrust with his tongue, forcing it deep. Elliot sucked it. It was longer than God intended tongues to be.

Toby‛s hands seemed to be everywhere at once, and Elliot held on by a razor‛s edge. He shouldn‛t be able to come from just this, but with Toby, anything was possible.

"Stop, will ya!"

Elliot froze. His heart which had been pounding, ratcheted up to a new level. He got off him fast. "What?" Worry he had somehow hurt him made him search for blood.

Toby blinked in what might have been surprise. "Wow. You really shut down." He rubbed his hand through his hair. "Your eyes are huge."

"This isn‛t funny." Elliot nearly got off the bed, but he‛d ask first. "We done? Say the word and I‛m gone."

"What the fuck?" Toby reached for him. "I just don‛t want to come instantly."

Elliot checked Toby‛s dick. "Took care of that." He rubbed his hand down his face. "Look, it‛s the job, okay?"

Toby frowned and then slowly nodded. "Got it. Won‛t do it again unless I mean it." He got a hold of him and pulled. "Stop and let‛s talk."

"Again?" Elliot sighed. He wasn‛t in a rush tonight, but this was ridiculous. "Do we gotta?"

Toby‛s frown broke into a laugh. "One second and we‛re done. I want you to top tonight, okay?"

Elliot felt the spit in his mouth dry out. He wasn‛t sure that required an answer. His dick wasn‛t even hard enough to get the job done, but he figured Toby could fix that pretty quickly. Toby scooted closer and dipped his head. The touch of his lips did it, and Elliot still had no words. Top? Him?

"Hey, since we‛re talking." Elliot had to clear his throat. He rested his hands on Toby‛s shoulders and tried to keep talking. "You, um, had a rough time in prison. I don‛t want to hurt you."

Toby licked his way up until they were chest to chest, still kneeling on the bed. "I wouldn‛t let you. Trust me on that."

Elliot caught a tiny glimpse of Crazy Toby. Crazy Toby didn‛t take shit off anyone. It was bizarrely reassuring. "Good."

"Did I hurt you?" Toby slid his hand into the crack of Elliot‛s ass and a finger circled the spot that he was talking about.

"Not really." Elliot didn‛t react to the touch, and he refused to lie, but he was tempted. He was a tough Marine, not a pansy. Toby licked his way back to Elliot‛s nipples. Elliot stared down at that long tongue flickering over him.

Toby looked up. "I know I did. Someday, maybe, you‛ll let me make it good for you, but tonight, I want you to fuck me."

Elliot stopped breathing. He was sure of it. His lungs felt as if they‛d caved in and he swallowed hard. His dick surged back to hard and the words weren‛t coming again. Toby smiled, but there was something shy about it, and Elliot began to think he‛d be the one coming too soon tonight.

Toby rolled and reached. Elliot hoped his fingers didn‛t tremble as he took it. He cleared his throat, found nothing to say, and bit his lower lip as he tried to open it. Toby let out a long sigh.

"I‛d almost think you‛d never fucked a guy up the ass." Toby grabbed it back and ripped it open with his teeth. "Oh, right. You haven‛t." He took Elliot firmly by the dick and rolled it on. Elliot felt incredibly stupid, but it didn‛t seem to be affecting his johnson. Toby kissed him. "Don‛t worry."

Elliot didn‛t think that was possible. He was so far from sure that he almost took the condom off. Toby stroked his fingers over Elliot‛s nipples and tugged. He smiled, and Elliot forgot to worry. There was a long moment of silence as neither of them made a move, and then Toby went to his stomach. Elliot smoothed his hand over Toby‛s ass, thinking it might make him change his mind. It didn‛t. He wanted to do this, if it were awful, he wouldn‛t do it again.

Toby was still smiling. "Push hard and then stop."

"You didn‛t exactly do that." Elliot frowned, but he wasn‛t arguing, and he hoped they were done talking. He found a spot that he hoped got the job done, kissed Toby‛s back, and shoved with his hips.

"I hope your targeting is better with a gun." Toby laughed.

Elliot smacked the back of Toby‛s head but gently. "Shaddup." He tried again, this time with some help from his fist. Toby wasn‛t laughing any longer. His hands were wrapped tightly into the covers. Elliot barely remembered to stop. Heat. Tight. Pressure.

"Oh, God," he whispered, screwing his eyes shut, hoping that it would help him not come. Toby moved back into him. His chest met Toby‛s back and their mouths managed a long kiss. He shook hard from it, feeling like a teenage boy.

"Yes," Toby hissed, and that word was enough to send Elliot toppling over the edge. When the sparkles were gone, and he could breathe again, he had to laugh softly at himself. Toby smacked him on the back of the head. "Not as easy as it looks, huh?"

Elliot rubbed his forehead against Toby‛s shoulder. "Still want that reach around?"

**********

Toby woke up slow and easy, wrapped around and on top of Elliot. Elliot was very warm, and Toby didn‛t want to move at all. Not today. Not any day.

"You‛re heavy." Elliot seemed to wrap him a bit closer.

"That‛s amazing, considering that my balls are completely empty." Toby found wonderful skin to kiss and stroke. Last night had been a mix of passion and hilarity. They‛d managed to laugh as much as they loved, and that had been more amazing than anything.

Elliot groaned. "Yeah, I‛m on empty too." He caught Toby by the face and kissed him. "I finally know real sin."

Toby yawned and then shut his eyes. He tugged and pushed until he was comfortable. Those words should have worried him, but they didn‛t. "Love is never a sin, but wow, that lust was."

"You‛re right, so I‛ll do penance for half of it." Elliot‛s voice deepened. "You forgive me?"

"Yes." Toby didn‛t have to guess at what Elliot meant. It was obvious. Elliot could never fully accept this relationship. For him, it would always be sin, or at least some of it would be. Toby would treasure that bit of love that he knew Elliot felt in his heart for the lonely days that were bound to come along. He thumbed Elliot‛s nipple because he could. "I‛ll always be here for you."

Elliot went very still. "I can‛t promise I‛ll always meet you on the stoop."

"I know." Toby found Elliot‛s lips with his eyes shut and kissed him. Chris had demanded love and it had killed him. Toby wasn‛t going to make that mistake. He smiled. "Elliot, love isn‛t bitchy or pushy, and I do love you. I‛m not saying I‛ll be happy if I go a year without seeing you, but I‛m not going to make our lives hell over it. Done that. Ain‛t doing it again."

"Open your eyes." Elliot was right there, and his face was so serious. "So, no strings."

Toby had to grab a kiss first. "None." It wouldn‛t be easy, but he couldn‛t live his life with his children any other way. He was surprised that the knowledge sat easily inside him. "But, when you want to move in, let me know, I‛ll pack your bags."

Elliot suddenly grinned. "Good to have options."

Toby hugged him close and shut his eyes again. "Now shut up. I gotta sleep some more."

"Me too, and then we‛re checking our balls."

"And they call me crazy." Toby was glad that Elliot was through talking. They‛d said enough.

*********  
End


End file.
